Finding Neutral

This morning, while reading Jesie’s latest post on Sated Soul about trusting the process, something clicked: I really only have two gears.

Go, go, go. Full speed ahead. Move so fast that I can’t feel anything at all.
Or…
Slow, low. Heavy-hearted, often sad, and full of emotion.

As I’ve intentionally slowed down this summer, I’ve been working with a somatic therapist who specializes in supporting highly sensitive people. And in doing so, I’ve been told two things that at first seemed contradictory:

• It’s okay to be busy and distracted.

• It’s important to help the nervous system feel safe.

There’s a part of me that’s always trying to figure it out. Trying to fix. Trying to find the better way. And honestly? Trying to balance those two gears has been exhausting. But maybe in a good way.

I’m starting to notice when I’m in go-go-go mode—and that I usually need to slow down, take a breath, maybe even let myself feel a little.
And I’m starting to recognize when I’m sinking too far into the low gear—that even when I don’t want to, I might feel better if I go for a walk, call my mom, or spend a little time in the garden.

Jesie’s blog today spoke to the sacred pause that exists in the in-between. She wrote about being held in the parts of us that aren’t ready to let go.
It reminded me of how my childhood home is being sold—and that I’ll likely only step foot in it two more times before it belongs to someone else.

I’ve let myself feel that.
Last week was heavy and slow and full of emotion.
But this week? This week’s been fast-paced and full of client sessions and a packed calendar.

Maybe that’s okay.
Maybe this is the work—recognizing the pendulum, naming where I am, and meeting myself there.
Maybe finding “neutral” doesn’t mean perfect balance or being totally okay with it all. Maybe it’s about honoring the grief and the gratitude.

I’m not ready to release and accept all of it yet. But I can hold space for myself in the discomfort.
I can sit with the ache of life not turning out quite the way I imagined—and still feel lucky for the life I have.

A cozy home.
A flourishing garden.
Two sweet pups who I’m convinced are actual angels.
A husband who feels like a prayer answered—and who I get to celebrate one whole year of marriage with this Sunday.

Life, man.
It’s a trip.
I guess it’s all in how you hold it.